If a bad breakup or divorce has stressed or hurt you, be glad, but don’t let the experience stop you from loving again. You’re not the only one who’s been through a rough ending in a relationship, even if it feels like it. Remove yourself from the situation and realize that time is your best friend. At this time, you may feel uncomfortable, or maybe even in agony, but the sun will rise later.
Allow yourself to cry, feel any emotions that arise, and go through the change from a partner to a single person. Sit down and write a list of the things that bother you. For each negative on your list, think of and write a positive to go against. Think of the logical response to what seems like an illogical situation. For example, if your commitment-phobic 20-something ex dumped you because he wasn’t comfortable with the closeness, he writes what your first reaction is. Many people wonder if they did something wrong, which is probably not the case. Was there anyone more attractive? It’s another common thought, but again, probably not true. Most likely, this person will not be able to get close to people. Then think about the reality of the situation. “He or she is young and can’t commit right now.” If you are looking for a committed relationship, then clearly, the person was not a good fit for you. There is something comforting about looking at the situation without emotion. Try to take a step back, remove the emotion to see the relationship for what it really was, not what you wanted it to be.
With every ending, there is learning. It’s a lousy way to have to learn, but over time, this pain turns into experience and knowledge. For example, I had a model and beautiful ex-fiancée when I was twenty years old. She was from a respectable family, she had a very attractive European accent and everyone admired him. But taking a closer look at this man; he was vain, arrogant and dumber than a box of rocks. Muscles but no brain. He was constantly in trouble with the law. His family sent his brother to take his SATs for him because they knew he would never pass or get into college. He entered a good school, but his admirers did his homework. They did it willingly. Being young, naive, and throwing caution to the wind, I dated him. We were together four years. At that moment, I thought he was everything, as my common sense was blinded by his masculine beauty. However, right after graduation, I caught him in bed with another woman and ended the relationship. He destroyed me, even if he really wasn’t that nice to me during the relationship. He lied, cheated, stole and somehow talked me out of leaving sooner, but I had enough this time. It was devastating.
Ten years later, my ex and I ran into each other at a restaurant/nightclub on a Saturday night. She made a beeline and tried to rekindle the relationship while my admiring friends looked on, amazed at her attractiveness. Listening to him talk, I was very happy to know that he no longer found him attractive at all, although it was interesting to talk to him and see what he has done with his life. Time and wisdom taught me to evaluate people more correctly. He was still completely caught up in himself, trying to manipulate his appearance and bragging about how he cheated the system this way or that. Now, he wanted to become a lawyer. I asked myself, “Who is he going to pay to take the bar exam for him?” while he laughed at myself. He told me that he had left his wife and got divorced. When asked why, he said: “She wasn’t good enough in bed for me.” I held back a laugh but felt sorry for his poor ex-wife, having to live with him and his inflated ego for a few years. He followed me to my car when I left the restaurant. It was a relief to leave, but the experience was validating me because I didn’t have an ounce of interest in rekindling anything, even if he did. In fact, I was wondering what, besides looks, I had seen in him in the first place. Life taught me a lot in ten years.
Now, dating is not such a high priority for me anymore. My interests lie more in business and enjoying a life of independence. Being in a relationship is okay, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m too busy right now to be in a committed relationship, but if I were, I would do it differently than I did in my youth. What attracts me now is honesty and good character instead of an attractive body and a pretty face. Morally bankrupt people are annoying and can’t be trusted, so I avoid them. Life knocked sense into me, and important lessons have finally been learned. This is true with everyone. Learn from the past, then walk away from it. Don’t get stuck in “What If” or other speculative concerns. Let it go and move on with new knowledge. Tomorrow is a new day. Don’t waste energy hating or getting mad at your ex. Just let it go when you can. Later, you can look back and feel good about how the situation made you stronger. And when you’re ready, there’s someone new waiting for you somewhere, when you’re ready.