Have you ever been frustrated because you seem desperately “crazy” for unavailable men, but find yourself hopelessly impervious to advances from nice guys who are genuinely available and ready for a serious relationship? Would you like to change this pattern so you can finally start enjoying a great relationship and stop wasting your time with men who play hot and cold with your emotions? Read on to see how the science of psychology can help you!
In a classic social psychology study, Dutton and Aron conducted an intriguing study in which an experimenter stood at the end of two different bridges and asked random men crossing the bridge to tell a short story as part of a psychology experiment. . The first bridge was a safe and sturdy ten foot bridge over a calm river; we’ll call it the “safe bridge” for our purposes here. The second bridge was a rickety, scary bridge that spanned a 230-foot drop into rocks and rapids; we’ll keep it simple and call it the “scary bridge” here. What the researchers found was that the men who crossed the terrifying bridge were more likely to use sexual or romantic imagery in their stories. These men who crossed the terrifying bridge were also more likely to rate the experimenter as attractive, even though she was actually the same woman at the end of both bridges.
Why did the men who crossed the scary bridge tell more sexual or romantic stories and rated the experiencer as more attractive than the men who crossed the safe bridge? The results suggest that these men mistakenly attributed their arousal symptoms (such as increased heart rate or sweaty palms) that arose from crossing a highly arousing, if somewhat frightening, bridge to romantic or sexual attraction to the woman.
This study may explain a phenomenon that I have seen in my practice. Many of my clients complain that they don’t feel chemistry with nice guys; however, they are attracted to men who are unpredictable and keep them on their toes (I occasionally see this in my male clients as well). If you experience this in your own love life, you’ll want to learn to see the good guys as more exciting and the not-so-good guys less. Read on for tips on how to do this!
Make a list
Your first step will be to make a list of Scary Bridge behaviors. Scary Bridge behaviors are behaviors that are undesirable in a dating partner and therefore may cause considerable concern or irritation for you. Unfortunately, this worry or irritation can often be mistakenly attributed to attraction to the man that is causing the worry or irritation. That’s why it’s important to identify these behaviors so you can recognize them as they happen. Your list may include the following:
- Being late for an appointment (even if it’s for a good reason, any kind of delay can increase anticipation, which increases physiological arousal)
- Canceling a date at the last minute (again, albeit for a good reason, the point here is not to assess your reasons, just to note the effect of the behavior on your physiological arousal)
- Suggesting a date but not making clear plans with you or letting you guess exactly when/where the date will occur
- Telling you that he is not sure if he is ready for a relationship.
It’s important not to get bogged down trying to assess whether or not your reasons are “good” for the above behaviors. For your body, it makes no difference: if there are sudden changes or periods of uncertainty, your level of physiological arousal may increase. We all have the occasional last-minute emergency, but if you’re dating someone who seems to have endless problems (sick mom, emergency reunion, past injury, the list goes on…and on…and more… ), considers that his unavailability could actually be creating a drama that, ironically, makes it more tempting.
In addition to your Scary Bridge list, you’ll also want to make a list of Safe Bridge behaviors. These are behaviors that you may have previously seen as silly or boring, but are often found in the good guys. Your list of Safe Bridge behaviors may include the following:
- Showing up on a first date with flowers.
- Offering to pick you up or take you home
- Arrive on time for the dates.
- End a date with plans to see you again
- Making it clear that he is injured with you (nice but cheesy text messages, nervous laughter, sweaty palms, tongue-dropping in awkward silence, nervous about first kiss, etc.)
Reading this, you may be thinking that you like it when a guy does some of the Safe Bridge stuff mentioned above, but you’re still attracted to men who aren’t available. But consider the context of those behaviors. If you are attracted to men who engage in Safe Bridge behaviors on an inconsistent basis, these behaviors may turn you on primarily due to their rarity. Intermittent reinforcement is actually what elicits the most emotion; that is why casinos set up slot machines to give rewards randomly where the user never knows what to expect and keeps chasing the rewards. Don’t let intermittent reinforcement create a misleading sense of emotion that keeps you stuck in a holding pattern with a Mr. Wrong who plays hot and cold with your emotions or his schedule.
Relocation behaviors
After making your list of Scary Bridge and Safe Bridge behaviors, next you’ll want to change the way you view these behaviors. While you may find Scary Bridge behaviors exciting or signs that a man should be “hard to get” or “so busy and successful” or “really cool and not rushing things,” you’ll want to relocate these behaviors as flaky, unassertive and undesirable. The goal is to get to the point where you can roll your eyes at these behaviors instead of giving in to them.
You’ll also want to put Safe Bridge Behaviors back. Here are some ideas on how to see nice guys as more exciting:
- Think about how exciting it would be to get engaged or plan a wedding. How can the cheap thrill that flaky guys provide compare to the thrill of being in a deep relationship that leads to marriage?
- Do something a little scary with your date, like go to a scary movie. If you mistakenly attribute your fear as attraction to your date in this context, that would be a good thing!
- Make up a sexual fantasy to imagine while on a date with Mr. Nice Guy. If you need help coming up with ideas, you can try searching for erotica or porn online until you find something that really turns you on; it should feel naughty, forbidden, or whatever it takes to get your heart racing. When you go on a date with a nice guy who might feel so Sure it’s a bit boring, it calls to mind fantasy material while you focus your gaze on your date. This will help wake up your body and make you more open to advances from Mr. Nice Guy.
If you can successfully put the Safe and Scary Bridge behaviors back on, this could go a long way toward reducing frustration in your love life. I have seen my clients apply the principles in this article with great success.