I am going to show you the exact method the narcissist uses to manipulate your perceptions so that they can vent on you and satisfy their needs and endure their bad feelings. Narcissists are complicated, but they are also formulaic and have noticeable behavior patterns when taught to identify them.
Narcissists have unresolved personal problems that they are forced to deal with on a regular and ongoing basis. When you hit this barrage of bad feelings, your method of relieving the pain is to emotionally abuse others to make them accept you as your own. All narcissists use this method because it does three things for them:
• Immediately removes it. They feel like it’s your problem and not theirs. You are the troublemaker and they are trouble free. When you feel bad and it is going bad, they feel good, especially if they are the ones who made you feel bad.
• They feel like a good person in the process, another narcissistic requirement, although the definition of good and social good means different things to different narcissists.
• And finally, they enjoy hurting you. They derive pleasure from your pain. It makes them feel powerful and in control of you, which makes them feel good and in control of themselves.
They have an internal urge to turn their problems onto you, but they can’t seem malicious while doing it or they would have nothing to start with.
They need to be your “friend” to take advantage of the opportunity to “help” you with the problem you just created for you. Narcissists always make sure that there are a lot of problems to take advantage of. If there is no problem, they will create one.
So the problem is not a problem in itself, the problem is that they need an outlet right now and they have to create a problem to get one. This is how they turn anything into something they can use for years and years against you, building on it successively.
Here is your procedure:
1. Create a problem involving you, then turn it around to make you responsible and bound to fix it
It should get you involved because then they can turn it around properly so you have to be the one to fix it. Not only do they involve you, but you caused it, you are the source of the problem, and your behavior must be corrected by them. You are responsible and liable for this particular problem, because it involves something you did, like leaving clean clothes in the dryer for too long.
Creating problems is the hard part, so they usually keep a list of things in their head that they can use. This list accumulates over time and they constantly find and maintain new angles to annoy you.
Turning is the easy part, because you will do the work for them with your low self-esteem. They have already chosen and specially selected you as their victim, and that you will bear the brunt of their abuse. While creating a problem requires testing, putting it all on yourself is personal and emotional; it does not require reason or logic. They make you feel like it’s your fault and, being a good person, you will rush to fix it.
The problem is that leaving clean clothes in the dryer is not an adequate excuse and cannot justify the abuse they need to inflict on you, so they must make things worse or they will look bad.
What is going to be the problem? Well, it all depends on how you behave and live your life. Narcissists turn positive character traits into character flaws that bother them. No matter what you do, they will find things wrong with you. They have to disagree with you as a person if you are going to serve as a doormat.
Your exceptional qualities that distinguish you from others are the biggest risk to them. By denigrating the things that matter most to you, they kill two birds with one stone by not only depleting your source of force against them, but also turning it into a weapon against you. If you are a human being on planet earth, they will find something that is “wrong” with you.
2. Position yourself as the victim of the problem and the only one who can possibly solve it
It is crucial that the distinction is made without saying: you caused the problem and they are victims of it, which makes you feel that you are wrong and that you are the bad guy. Unless he takes action to remedy it, he did it on purpose and enjoys hurting him.
Now he speeds it up and lunges to the right to try and alleviate the problem, but something strange happens: they actually prevent him from solving the problem, aggressively obstructing him and guessing.
Why? Since you cannot solve the problem, you are not capable. If you did that, you would be good and redeem yourself for your abuse of them. They must be the ones to do it, because they are great. They don’t have to figure it out because they are not responsible, but they will do it because they are fantastic people.
3. Now that you are forced to solve it, you will be undermined and set up to fail
The goal here is to make you feel bad, that you were not enough and that you failed them not because of lack of effort but because you are inadequate. Remember that no matter what you do, you will fail, they have already taken care of it.
If you somehow manage to overcome their barriers and solve the problem, they should make up for it by being less satisfied with your solution. This is even worse because now they have to abuse you in a different and more direct way to vent their distress.
Now they just need to steal the spotlight, persevere, and “solve” the problem themselves. As you probably guessed, there is no troubleshooting. Since they are the ones who created the problem, they are in control and can make it go away by not bringing it up again.
It’s “solved” because they feel better and they successfully messed with you. The problem has served its true purpose by covering up the real problem and can now disappear into thin air.
They feel better because now they have their release, they no longer feel so self-conscious and their self-image is not only intact, but reinforced and unblemished. Yours, however, is not and is worse now than before this “problem” arose.
The problem was, they felt bad and needed to dump it on you. They abandon it because they cannot express it, much less recognize it themselves. All they know is that they feel bad and abusing you makes them feel better.
Solving the problem makes things worse for them and for you. They will not get their release, they will feel bad and they will find another way to vent to you, perhaps with the same problem but probably with a new one.
Thank you for reading!