There is a lot of excitement in the room when the topic of gay and lesbian parenting is raised (I will use the term gay to include both genders in same-sex relationships from now on). Many heterosexual people, especially heterosexual religious women, feel that homosexual couples cannot successfully raise their children. For obvious reasons, homosexuals feel otherwise. I would like to write a few articles on the basics of parenting in this discussion. As a learned religious person, I understand the doubts that straight people have, as a parent I understand the seriousness of the debate, and as a gay parent I could shed some light on the gay side of the debate.
In my opinion, there are three basic issues in the debate. First, the question that a child needs two genders to be raised successfully. Second, children need a stable relationship to grow successfully. Third, children need “normal” parents to be raised successfully. Some heterosexual people feel that homosexual couples do not represent both genders, do not have stable relationships and are not “normal” in their perspective of normality. Homosexuals go to great lengths to convince others that their arguments are unfounded.
- Gay parents do not represent both sexes.
I have many friends, both straight and gay. Many of my friends are also parents. As someone who studied theology and psychology, many of my friends ask me for advice. Like all other therapists, I represent only one gender, but in my relationship we also represent only one gender, so why come to me? First of all, people come to me because I know a little bit of psychology, maybe more than a little. Second, they ask me because I have years of experience. Third, they come because I don’t beat around the bush, and lastly, because I really care.
Some people will never come to me because I am gay, others, actually those who know me, look beyond my sexual orientation and see my abilities. Is it stupid to look beyond my orientation and see my ability? I do not believe it. I think it’s stupid to go to a heterosexual therapist who knows less, and luckily my clients feel the same way.
If we compare this argument with parenthood, does it apply or not? Would you leave your children with a capable, loving and caring gay partner or would you rather leave your children with a heterosexual partner who doesn’t care? Going back to the genders, would you leave your children with a caring single parent or an abusive heterosexual partner? Obviously, you wouldn’t care if both genders are represented or not; you will care whether people should be trusted or not, whether they are loving or not, whether they are responsible or not. I am not saying that both genders are not important in a child’s life; I’m just saying that no one forces people to marry just to make sure the children have two genders that raise them. No one makes divorce illegal just to guarantee two genders in one home. If the representation of two genders is not an issue in single parent households or in divorce, then it should not be an argument in gay parenting.
- Gay relationships are not stable
I always think of the movie “The Birdcage” if I listen to this argument. In the birdcage, Val Goldman tells his gay father that he is the only man in his fraternity who does not come from a broken home. Ironic, isn’t it? Ironic, but it’s true of many gay couples raising children. Am I saying there are no gay couples breaking up? Of course not, many gay couples break up, but so do heterosexual couples. Can we say that heterosexual couples should not raise children because 2 out of 3 heterosexual couples separate? I mean think about it; there are more broken marriages than surviving marriages. Therefore, should we conclude that marriage is not a stable environment for raising children? Does heterosexuality guarantee the stability of the marriage? Obviously not so; in fact, most separate. If we want to prohibit homosexual couples from raising children, we should think of another argument, because homosexuality does not guarantee instability and heterosexuality does not guarantee stability.
Some people argue that gay marriages break more than heterosexual marriages. I haven’t seen that statistic yet, but let’s say it’s true. Interracial relationships are also more likely to get divorced. Should we forbid them from raising children too? Interfaith couples are also more likely to get divorced, should we prevent them from raising children too? It seems to me that it would not be coherent to prohibit homosexual couples from raising children if we do not prohibit interracial or interreligious couples.
- Homosexuals are not normal.
I always enjoy this argument because I have not yet seen a normal person. Who can stand up and say they are normal? What does a normal home look like? Is an emotionally abusive parent normal? However, many abusive parents are allowed to raise children. Only if the abuse becomes public knowledge will it stop. Is an overprotective mother normal? Many psychologists agree that overprotective mothers give their children a myriad of psychological problems. Are we allowing overprotective mothers to raise their children? Even if we know that they are overprotective and even though we know that they hurt their children, we do not stop them. In the same vein, there is no evidence that children raised by gay parents have any consequential harm. In fact, most research shows that it has no effect on children. The so-called “normal” argument does not hold. If you want to prevent gay parents from raising children, you will also have to stop a lot of other people. It should begin by evaluating all people through psychological testing before allowing them to raise children, before allowing them to marry, and before allowing women to become pregnant. If we do that, we will become Nazi Germany. They also thought that the state should determine who can have children.
The three issues discussed here represent three of the most important arguments against gay parenting, and yet, as seen above, they don’t make any sense.