If you settle for LESS than a woman who represents EXACTLY what you want in a woman, you will not be a happy man. Yes, yes… I have a “firm grasp of the obvious”, right? But if it’s SO OBVIOUS, why do SO MANY men end up settling down anyway? That’s a question that came up during a training call last night and led to a fascinating discussion. Essentially, it went something like this… For starters, we don’t give ourselves PERMISSION to aim as high as we can… or should. Others tell us not to be “too picky.” If we haven’t had a “girlfriend” in a while, that chorus gets even louder.
So what do we do?
We begin to think that maybe they are right. Maybe we should cut a woman we’re not REALLY crazy about for a break here and there. But let’s say you do just that. If you put her in a room with, say, twenty other women, you’re likely to find three or four of the others more attractive than her. But hey, at least she’s more interesting to you than the other fifteen or sixteen. And maybe she has a bit of an alcohol addiction. Meh. Or maybe she tends to babble sometimes about “all men are the same”, etc., etc. Hey, if you’re a good enough guy, you’ll get her out of it… right? Wrong. You’re making excuses when you think like that, or in any of the other ways I just mentioned. And make excuses = SETTLE.
But what could that woman tell you that you would be settling for all the time? She may be the FIRST IN LINE to tell you that you’re “too picky.” She may accuse you of being “shallow” for not seeing past what you find unattractive. But really, she’s just encouraging you to GET IN. And you should never, ever give in to that kind of pressure. In fact, if you avoid dating women you already know she’ll settle for, she won’t even submit to that kind of pressure to begin with. However, many people (men AND women, actually) allow themselves to be in relationships with people they never really preferred to be with. Many times, it has to do with pure GUILT.
But here it is: Being a martyr doesn’t even serve THE OTHER PERSON very well, when you get to the bottom of it. As such, for the good of EVERYONE involved, BLAME is not a sufficient reason to settle. Think of it this way (and what follows could be a VERY HEAVY spot for you…possibly even one that triggers a very real BREAKTHROUGH). How often do we as men honestly set out to meet and attract someone BETTER THAN WE DESERVE? By that I mean saying to ourselves, “Look, I know I don’t deserve a great woman. So I’m going to manipulate one into settling for me.” Face it, dating with the mindset of tricking someone into SETTING for you just doesn’t work. OK, maybe some of the PUA guys can talk about making women look BETTER than you, but I guess I’ve NEVER heard any of them talk about attracting someone of HIGHER QUALITY…either short term or long term . .
Why not?
Well, to begin with, to think such a thing would transcend the “inner game” to the point of arrogance. It’s not REASONABLE to expect you to get someone you don’t (yet) deserve to “settle” with you. Heck, most of us have a pretty rough time approaching any woman. Also, and more importantly, even if you could “hit the jackpot” that way…it wouldn’t be fun at all in the end. In fact, it would be HUMILIATING.
You would be CONSTANTLY looking over your shoulder thinking that some guy who is “more worthy” will take it from you. What’s more, every time you remember that she probably WOULD RATHER be with someone else, she’ll feel like she’s been castrated… 24/7/365. Simply put, if someone “settled” on you, YOU would be just as miserable, if not MORE, than they are. And that’s EXACTLY what goes through the WOMAN’S MIND when YOU SETTLE for someone she doesn’t really long for a relationship with… Except for the castration part of course. For her, we’ll just call it “humiliating” and “distressing” and leave it at that, okay? Have you ever considered the concept of “settle” from the perspective of the other party before now? We wouldn’t like to be “set” but we still tend to think of the idea only from our own perspective…and that’s the ONLY REASON we WOULD even CONSIDER selling short and/or giving in to pressure. to resolve.
The bottom line? When you TRUST, you’re not just fooling YOURSELF, you’re also fooling THE WOMAN YOU’RE WITH. The even deeper truth is this. (Are you sitting down?) YOU CHEATING ON THE WOMAN YOU REALLY DESERVE. She was unable to be with the man with whom SHE would have had a truly satisfying relationship (ie YOU). And why not? Because you drive in another less satisfying direction.
Maybe your head wasn’t tidy enough to recognize the high level of quality you truly deserved, if only you had made SOME effort to become the “Big Four” man that such a high quality woman craves. Or maybe he PANICED. You had a woman in your life who really liked you, so you decided to hold on to her instead of risking being lonely. But in your selfishness, you’re not only robbing YOURSELF of a future relationship with someone you’ll truly appreciate, you’re also robbing HER of an opportunity to meet someone who will appreciate her more. After all, her “100 out of 100” woman may not be the same as someone else’s anyway. And if that’s not the “dealing factor”, then I don’t know what she is.
So DON’T BE AFRAID to become the best “Big Four” man you can be. Don’t let anyone tell you that you are being too demanding. When it comes to being philanthropic and giving to charity, long-term relationships are NOT the place for that. Work at a soup kitchen or volunteer to help the less fortunate in some other way. And team up with the best woman you’ve ever met with you when you do.